


You were my God

by LavernaG



Category: Utopia (TV 2013)
Genre: Death, F/M, Janus - Freeform, Love, POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 03:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16210220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavernaG/pseuds/LavernaG
Summary: Milner's last scenes as seen from her point of view. Her reunion with Philip Carvel, her feelings and thoughts. One-shot.





	You were my God

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so my favourite character in the "Utopia" series was Milner, and I thought I'd write this story in her memory. It's her last scenes from her point of view. And also the moments between the scenes.

He had never been an overly handsome man, and now, in his old age, he wasn't much to look at either, but Milner was more than certain that those blue eyes of his would be just as bright and intelligent as ever. If only she was allowed to go near him to get a closer look! Seeing that genius of a man sitting there on the rock in those old ruins, completely lost in his own thoughts, was a sight for Milner's sore eyes.

That moment a couple of days ago, when Ian had called her and told her that Philip Carvel was alive, Milner's heart had made a leap that she hadn't thought it was capable of anymore. When she told Wilson about the news later, she couldn't put the way she felt into words. Mainly it was relief she felt, and then there was this perfect feeling that now everything would be right again.

Of course, there was a chance that after this long separation, Philip wouldn't recognize her. Milner tried to make herself believe that it was not possible, but for some odd reason, her always cooperative imagination was not listening to her this time. Then again, it is not so easy to imagine things when your hands are tied behind your back, a yellow poncho over you, and a mentally unbalanced boy is holding a gun, ready to shoot you. At least Jessica had offered her a poncho in her favourite colour!

As much as she wanted to run - not for freedom - but to Philip, and see if he remembered her, Milner knew that this time it was Jessica's right to be first. In her small, cautious steps, Milner came closer to Pietre, making sure she didn't startle Grant, because that could have caused someone's death.

The three of them couldn't hear the words spoken between Jessica and her father, but they could see Philip get up and embrace the woman. When Jessica raised her knife in self-protection, Milner barely held back the scream that wanted to escape her mouth. But Philip must have said something, because a moment later Jessica dropped the weapon from her shaking hands and returned her father's embrace quite passionately.

Despite all the fondness she had developed for Jessica throughout the last months, seeing this scene made Milner hate Jessica for just a moment. It had always been like that; she - and Pietre - had longed for Philip's love, yet his eyes were always turned to his daughter. There had been some moments in the past where Philip had seemed to return Milner's feelings, but when Jessica had been born, he changed.

"It was always like that," Milner told Pietre. "He only ever had eyes for her." Her tone held much more dislike than she felt, but if it would somehow help to get this bear of a man on her side, she could take it. "She ruined everything for you and me." It was no lie - at least not all of it. And although Pietre didn't answer her, the sigh he gave was enough to convince Milner that he also felt sad to witness this reunion.

With a heavy heart, Milner turned her head to look at the father and daughter again. It was never going to be a normal father-daughter relationship between these two, she consoled herself. And in a way she was relieved that both Jessica and Philip were happy for the moment. In a way, these people were all Milner had for "family". After Janus went into action, there would be considerably less fathers and even less daughters in the world.

It didn't take long for Jessica to let go of Philip again, and when she did, he did also. He turned away, and despite the distance between them Milner could see he was in his own world again. He was saying something, but it seemed that Jessica couldn't understand any of it. She guided her father back to the ruins, probably to escape the cold wind.

Jessica made sure to manoeuvre as far from Milner as possible, so that Milner still couldn't get a good look at him. Jessica would have guided her father even farther, had Philip not sat down on another large rock, and silently refused to move again. As everyone's eyes were turned to Jessica and Philip, Milner thought she could use the moment to creep closer. But no sooner had she made a few steps when Jessica looked up at her, the young woman's wide staring eyes full of mistrust.

"Don't you fucking move," Jessica warned, and Grant tightened his hold on the gun, making Milner stop dead in her tracks. As the gun was aimed at Milner, Pietre seemed to think it his moment to move, and he walked forward in his usual slow and heavy way.

"We're family," he said, staring at Jessica. "You can trust me."

It surprised Milner how easily Jessica let her brother join them. And now she was the only one they had to hold a gun up to. Pietre took his place behind Jessica and Grant, farther away from his father. He had probably already had his reunion, Milner reckoned.

As silence now settled upon them, Milner could finally hear what Philip was saying. She had seen his jaw move slightly, but only now the words reached her ears. And now she wasn't certain anymore if they were words. It could have been a foreign language he spoke, but it more resembled a madman's pointless murmur.

For a brief moment, Milner wasn't sure if she'd even want to see Philip's face again. What if he wasn't the genius he had been anymore? What if he was mad? In that case he wouldn't recognize Milner, and - that she didn't admit it to herself - it would break her heart all over again. But on the other hand, he had remembered Jessica, so there had to be hope.

"He's not well," Pietre eventually voiced everyone's thought. "I think things are coming back to him. But it's slow."

It seemed Jessica's patience had run out. "What's the adjustment?" she asked as calmly as she could. Philip's answer was not to her liking. He said something, loudly, in his own language, and turned away, bringing his hand to cover his face.

"You're scaring him, Jessica!" Milner told the younger woman. No matter what his state of mind was, this old man was Philip, her oldest friend, a God as she had once called him. And Milner would not let anyone scare him. The man was confused already as it was! Milner's two bold steps forward were responded to by Grant raising his gun in her direction again. No matter how much Milner tried to convince herself that they wouldn't kill her, that they needed her to stop Janus completely, she couldn't dispose of the fear she felt for this young boy and his weapon.

"He speaks to Grant," Pietre said. And, thankfully, Grant tore his eyes off Milner to look at the people behind him. "He thinks he's me."

So that's why Pietre had been so excluded from the family reunion! Poor boy, Milner thought, because in her heart she had always had room for Philip's children.

At this Grant lowered his gun and made his way over to Jessica. Milner gave a silent sigh of relief. Jessica took the gun from Grant, and the first thing she did was aim it at her brother. Watching the scene closely, Milner took a few more silent strides forward, in hopes that it wouldn't be noticed.

"You can trust me, you know that," Pietre said to his sister. And without hesitation, Jessica handed over the gun to him. As Pietre - Milner still preferred the name Arby for him - raised the gun again, Milner was forced to stand in place again. She wasn't so afraid of Pietre as she was of Grant. Pietre was a killing machine, of course, but his moods were not as changing as those of a teenager. Now Milner dared to look away from the gun and the man behind it, to watch the others again.

Jessica had taken her place behind Grant, and now questioned her father. "You put Janus in me," she said. "You did that to your own daughter."

"I did," Philip replied in perfect English now. "I had to." This part of the story Milner already knew, and she couldn't stand in place anymore. Looking around for something to possibly use to cut her hands free, or something to sit on at least, she tore her eyes from Philip for a moment.

She had to stifle a chuckle when Grant said, "He said that-" and Jessica interrupted him with, "I know what he said, Grant."

"I only wanted to protect you," Philip continued. And although her curiosity was at its peak now, Milner didn't have to look at the man to hear his words. Instead, she leaned against a still standing part of the ruins, resting her head against the stone wall. Despite the warm poncho, Milner was cold. The others wore winter jackets, they weren't cold. But Milner was sure her ears and the tip of her nose had turned red with the cold already. It didn't help that her hands were useless, tied.

"Protect me?" asked Jessica. "You sterilized me," she accused calmly.

"No," replied Philip, making Milner look at him again in surprise. "I saved you," Philip explained. "I saved you, my darling. Everything was to save you." Well, that didn't make much sense, Milner thought bitterly.

But after this statement, Philip seemed to snap out of his sane state of mind and return to his not-so-sane self. In his strange language he shouted something, and stood up, walking farther from Jessica and the others, rather closer to Milner. She was quite scared at the sight of Philip's expression where fear mixed with confusion. And Milner suddenly felt like she was the only one who could truly understand this man. The younger generation didn't share her patience and the sort of love she felt for this man.

"What's going on? What is it?" Jessica asked, exasperated.

"I don't know," answered Pietre dully.

"This is too much for him," said Milner, looking at Jessica rather reproachfully. She didn't dare move from her spot, as Pietre was still holding the gun aimed at her. But she wanted so desperately to help Philip, to ease his fear, to let him know she was there for him. Philip's pained incomprehensible words grew louder, and it hurt Milner so much to see him like this.

"Philip!" she tried to call him. She sent a pleading look at Jessica, and thankfully the young woman was not going to try and stop her from communicating with her father. "Philip," Milner tried again, gently this time. "It's me."

As if by miracle, Philip quieted down, and turned around to face her. His eyes were now every bit as intelligent and bright as they always had. "You haven't changed," he said, a small smile on his lips. Milner let out a relieved sigh. "You haven't changed a bit, Milner."

She wasn't sure whether she was happier about Philip returning to his wits or about him recognizing her. She smiled both in happiness and in embarrassment, just like girls always did when they received a complement. "I have," she replied, but couldn't wipe the smile off her face. The fact that she had indeed changed was actually quite regretful. "Lots. And so have you." These words had their effect on both Milner's tone and expression, as her voice turned more serious and the smile slipped away.

Hesitantly, she took a quick look at the others. Jessica seemed quite impressed by her way of making Philip listen; Grant was as disinterested as any teenager with his backstory would be; even in Pietre's never-changing expression Milner could sense some awe. The look lasted a tiny moment, but when Milner looked at Philip again, he was lost again. He turned away, disinterested.

"Let me speak to him alone, Jessica," she pleaded with the younger woman. She needed to find out what Philip had done to Janus. But more importantly, she couldn't lose Philip again, not now that she had seen a glimpse of his old self. At Jessica's barely noticeable shake of head, Milner continued, "He doesn't know you. He'll talk to me."

"No fucking way," replied Jessica firmly.

"Oh, Christ, Jessica!" Milner huffed. "I'm tied! You've got guns and knives, what can I do?" Now that she said it, her situation sounded quite hopeless; if one was afraid for one's own life, which Milner only partly was. "We both need to find out what he did to it," she tried to convince Jessica. "We both need to know."

But Jessica only shook her head and turned to look at her father. Milner, too, turned back towards Philip, but the man didn't recognize her anymore. Milner sent him a pleading look, hoping that maybe he would say something to change Jessica's mind. But Philip didn't look her in the eyes, and when he did he didn't see her as his friend; she was a stranger to him.

"Please, Jessica!" Milner said again when Philip turned away once more. "You do want to know, don't you?" In a way, Jessica's fear of leaving her alone with Philip was understandable; she could try to persuade Philip to join her and leave Jessica behind. But Milner knew well enough that she didn't need to ask Philip to join her, he was already with her in this plan. And she also knew he would never harm his daughter. So, actually Jessica's train of thought was going the wrong way - sort of.

"'Course I fucking do," Jessica answered. "But not from you."

"I think we should let her speak to him," offered Pietre. Milner was not clever enough to figure out his train of thought, but if it agreed with her talking to Philip in private, she was okay with it.

"Are you fucking crazy?" Jessica said, turning to her brother. "She's gonna run once she finds out."

"Where would I go? Think, Jessica! There's nowhere for me to go here," Milner tried convincing the younger woman. She made a weak attempt to pull her hands free; she had already given up on it some time ago. "Not like this."

"I think she might get more information from him than you would," insisted Pietre. Jessica looked between him, Milner and then her father. Finally she took Pietre's advice, agreeing with an annoyed sigh. She went to her father, and took hold of his arm.

"Alright," she said, looking at Milner. "But only somewhere you can't escape." And she started pulling her father with her as she walked. Philip gave a startled cry in his language as he went with her, his entire body shaking.

"Stop scaring him, Jessica!" Milner said, worried for Philip. Despite his small moments of clarity, he was confused. And Milner couldn't stand to see him so frightened.

"You stay fucking quiet," Jessica bit back at Milner, moving past her. Milner saw Pietre raising his gun again, in case she would do something unexpected. Milner could only watch as Jessica took Philip farther. She took him to a part of the ruins, a long stone square that overhung the steep side of the hill.

In a couple of minutes, Jessica was back. She had left Philip standing there near the edge of the ruins. Somehow Jessica had found the perfect place for their private conversation; if they were far enough they wouldn't be heard, and yet there was no way they could escape.

Jessica took the gun from Pietre and handed it to Grant, much to Milner's disappointment. "Grant," Jessica instructed the boy. "Take Milner to Philip Carvel, and then give them some space." Grant nodded his understanding, and Jessica stood farther with Pietre.

Grant turned towards Milner, but as much as she wanted to go to Philip, she didn't dare go with Grant. After the Network had ruined the boy's life, he was capable of anything, even a murder as she very well knew.

"Go," ordered Jessica insistently. And Milner slowly took off, next to Grant, towards Philip. Jessica and Pietre stayed behind, and Milner decided not to pay them any mind anymore.

Grant walked in silence, staring in front of himself. To Milner's relief, his gun was lowered. Now that the boy didn't seem a threat anymore, Milner let herself smile. In less than a minute now, she could once again speak to Philip Carvel, the genius who had created Janus, the man she had known and loved for the majority of her life.

"It's lovely to see you, Grant," Milner finally broke the silence, as the two of them made their way towards Philip. "You've grown," she added, a confident smile across her face. The boy didn't acknowledge her. "How have you been?" Milner tried to start a conversation in vain. She wouldn't admit it to herself, but the boy's silence was quite unsettling. In her effort to get Grant's attention, Milner stopped walking, and Grant did, too, turning towards her.

"Did you miss Jessica?" Milner asked, convinced that this estimation was right, considering the haste in which the boy had been to hug Jessica when they had met earlier today. "It's not easy, caring for someone like her. I know that."

Her kind way of expressing herself didn't seem to have the right effect on the boy. He stared at her blankly, and stated, "You turned me into a ghost." That was not what Milner had anticipated he'd say, even though it was the truth. For a long moment she silently searched Grant's face to see what the boy was up to. He seemed to consider something - not consider hard, mind you -, and decided to go for it.

He raised the gun at Milner's face, and she pulled away slightly, as much as she dared to. "What if I did the same to you?" Grant said, now looking Milner in the eyes, pouring all his disappointment and hatred into his look.

Eyeing first the gun and then the boy, Milner hesitated to reply. One wrong word could make Grant shoot. He was not like his friends, not as careful and caring towards others - not like her dear Wilson. Grant was too foolhardy, and he had been through many horrors, causing him to be unpredictable now. In many ways it was Milner's fault he was like this, and in many others that he was threatening her now.

"I don't think that's the sort of person you are," Milner said eventually. It was a pathetic excuse, she knew, but she didn't know what else to say. Grant pulled back the hammer of the gun. He was serious about this. Eyeing the gun in fear, Milner thought of one more thing that could stop Grant. "I believe you were told to give us some space," she said, confident that the mention of Jessica would do the trick. This was a better job she had done hiding her fear than ever before. She was so close to everything going right - with Janus, and with Philip -, and it would be a damned waste if this stupid boy would ruin it all now.

These words had the effect on the boy Milner had hoped they would. After considering things for a long moment, sparing both Philip and Milner a look, he lowered his weapon, a look of disappointment crossing his face for a second. Milner did her best not to sigh out of relief and show how much Grant had scared her. She waited another moment to see if Grant would really let her go, and then stared to walk towards Philip. It took a big effort not to look back and see if Grant was aiming the gun at her back to shoot her dead.

Hoping that the boy had listened to Jessica and left her alone with Philip, Milner made her way over to Philip, who was pacing at the end of the concrete square. She stopped a few paces from him, looking up at his face to see if he recognized her. "Philip," she said cautiously. "Do you remember me?" She had always had every faith in Philip, but the years of separation may have had done their job on the man's memory.

Philip looked up at her, his eyes clear and his characteristic small smile on his lips. "Of course I do, Milner," he answered in a friendly manner. "How could I not?"

Milner allowed herself a happy sigh. This man who stood in front of her now was not the one she she had seen just moments ago, lost in his own world, mad words escaping his lips. This man was Philip, her oldest friend, her partner, and the man she had loved all those years spent together and apart. She had denied her feelings many times in the past, but now, standing next to Philip again, she didn't see any point to anymore.

Milner didn't know how Philip would feel about her or their plan today, the years and age might have changed him. But Milner didn't really believe he could change, not so much as to have doubts about their plan. For the majority of their lives the two of them had lived for Janus, and Milner recognized this man beside her as the Philip she had known, the one who believed.

"You have everything in place? All ready to go?" asked Philip after the two of them had settled into standing next to each other, facing the valley that stretched out before them. His tone was one of formality and trust; it sounded as if they had just yesterday been planning and discussing every detail of their plan, and not years ago. And even if he did acknowledge the fact that they hadn't met for more than thirty years, Philip didn't stop to ponder about it; he trusted Milner, and he trusted that she had been busy with their plan all that time.

"Everything you planned - it's all happening," replied Milner, proud that she hadn't failed Philip, and glad about the feeling that everything was just the way it had been before. Well, maybe not everything. Despite how much Milner wanted to describe every detail and every move they had had to make to achieve what they had, she knew there was one much more important thing to discuss. As she had said before - not only she, but Wilson, Leah, and Jessica as well - she needed to know.

Taking a deep breath, Milner asked, "What did you do to Janus, Philip?" Eyeing the man's face, she was glad he had understood her question and not snapped out of his sanity again. In fact, Milner didn't think he would anymore, not while he was with her.

"I located a racial grouping in south-east Asia," he answered, words pouring from his mouth quickly. "Lower incidents of cancer, heart disease, violence less."

As soon as the first four words had escaped, Milner knew what was coming. Looking away from Philip's face, she tried to make herself understand. After all they had been through together, Philip had made the choice to adjust Janus by himself. He hadn't told her, he had wanted things to be his way. A cold feeling of betrayal crept into Milner's heart.

"I felt they were perfect," finished Philip briskly.

Milner forced her tone into an unwavering one. "And you chose them?" she asked.

"I wanted to; I did," replied Philip quickly. But his tone indicated that this was not the end of the story. Milner turned her head to look at him again, hoping that she was able to hide the disappointment in her eyes. "But at the very last moment, I changed my mind."

A flicker of hope lit up in Milner, but it soon died down, as she knew he wouldn't have told her this if he'd done nothing to Janus that would deserve her disapproval. She could hear it in his voice that he hesitated; but Philip was keen on telling her the truth.

"I chose my own, Roma," Philip said. A short breath left Milner's lungs, as she turned away in disappointment. "Roma are the people that Janus will leave fertile."

Staring into the distance, Milner tried to bring herself to believe Philip's words. It was a hard task. She would have never thought he would do something like this behind her back; to choose a race that would survive and make the future of humanity without consulting her! She had done everything the way Philip had wanted, and he had ignored her wish to make Janus random. He hadn't sounded at all proud of his deed, but that didn't make it better.

Philip turned to face Milner, although she was not looking at him. "I chose, Milner," he said, his tone indicating an apology but not as much regret as Milner would have wanted to hear. She sighed, not ready to look at him yet. "I'm so, so sorry."

These words made Milner look up at him. He didn't regret choosing Roma and saving his own kind, he didn't regret deciding over the future of humanity. But he did regret disappointing Milner, that she could see in his eyes and hear in his tone. And once she had realized that, Milner found it difficult to be angry with him.

She thought back to the time when they had worked on Janus together, to the time when they were young and trusted each other with everything. And to her not-so-big surprise, Milner realized that even after this confession she trusted Philip - probably more than a woman of her profession should trust anyone.

"I said you were a God," Milner confided in Philip, a memory of this springing into her mind for a moment. "And you were." Indeed, this man was the one who would save the world. A smile crept onto Milner's face in realization that it had always been up to Philip to make the decisions really. She had been so lucky to become his partner, and share this wonderful world-saving secret with him. He could have chosen whomever to share this secret with, and yet he had picked her. "Why shouldn't you choose?"

"You're not angry?" Philip asked in return, immensely relieved and yet surprised. He was so precious!

Milner's face broke into a wide smile. It was not up to her to be angry at this great man. And even if it would be, how could she? After more than thirty years, Philip was back, he was as keen on releasing Janus as ever before, and he was even keener to involve Milner. And suddenly it didn't feel like they had spent so much time apart. Everything was as it should have always been - the two of them and the biggest secret in the world. Milner wouldn't even try to put her feelings of happiness and relief into words; she could only remind Philip what it had felt like all that time ago.

"Do you remember that beautiful separation we felt?" she asked, relishing this happy memory. "The biggest secret in the world, just us. That feeling's never left." Only it had been incomplete. Milner could see Philip was thinking of the bygone days. He was smiling fondly at the same memories that Milner was thinking of. "And now I know I was always waiting," Milner said, leaving the sentence unfinished. She was sure he would understand her even if she didn't say it aloud.

"For what?" Philip asked, slightly confused. Men never understood these things, Milner was reminded.

She lingered with her answer for just a moment. She hoped her voice wouldn't fail her when she said the sacred word. "For you." Their plan wouldn't have been half as beautiful if Philip hadn't been there to witness it all. He would be there to see Milner make her call to activate the plan, he would be there to see everyone take Janus. It was only right that he would be there to witness his own creation work.

As Philip's expression slowly turned into a smile, Milner said, "We're nearly there, Philip. We just have one last thing to do." She wasn't quite sure whether it was making the call or getting rid of the witnesses that needed to be done. But it seemed Philip had already decided which one was the priority, as he gave a small nod and turned to leave. He wasn't expecting her to come with him, and she didn't, but Milner couldn't leave unsaid what suddenly popped into her mind.

"Jessica promised she would kill me," she said before she could think of her words. She hoped Philip hadn't understood her wrong. When he turned to look at her once again, his eyes holding a kind look, his small reassuring smile told Milner he hadn't. Philip turned once more, and walked back to Grant, leaving Milner standing alone on the bleak ruins.

She knew he wouldn't kill his daughter, and she didn't want him to. Philip loved Jessica, and despite this new jealous feeling in Milner's heart, she didn't want Philip to turn into someone like her - a ruthless killer. He would most likely scare Jessica away without harming her. She couldn't be so sure about Pietre though. The poor man did not recognize his own son! To him, Pietre was still the same small Raisin Boy he had once been, and that meant Philip wouldn't recognize the grown man his son now was. As a shocking realization Milner understood that this meant that Philip wouldn't hesitate to kill his own son, while he would let Grant - who he thought was his son - get away. Sometimes Milner wished she wasn't so good at reasoning.

The first gunshot made Milner jump, but she didn't turn around to see what was going on. They wouldn't shoot Philip at any cost, and Milner didn't really want to know if any of the others had been hurt. The next gunshots came right after each other, until the bullets must have ran out. It was over now, Milner thought happily. Philip would release her and the two of them could continue their plotting the way they had before.

A moment later Milner turned and started to walk towards where she knew Philip was. When he appeared from between the ruins, alone and smiling, Milner couldn't resist another sigh of relief, and her beautifully aged face framed another wide glorious smile.

Philip bent down and took Jessica's knife from the ground. Not even for a second did Milner feel fear in front of this man approaching her with a weapon. He was to be fully trusted. Milner turned her back on Philip - a thing she would never do with anyone else who had a knife in their hands, save for Wilson perhaps - and waited for him to cut loose her hands. Philip's touch was gentle. He cut through the bindings swiftly, and let the knife fall from his hand.

It was a genuine relief to have her hands free at last. Her muscles and wrists hurt, but she could not be bothered to think of that. Milner turned around to face Philip happily. Massaging her hands to ease the pain, she looked at his face, deciding whether she should say something or simply kiss the man.

"Now it's just you and me," said Philip happily, giving her one of his precious smiles. Milner wondered briefly if he even knew how warm that smile made her feel, how alive, how safe.

She hesitated only momentarily, torn between her unconditional love for the man and the fear of him pulling away, and stepped closer to Philip, leaning forward. She kissed him with such tenderness and affection, and yet with determination, that the both of them lingered, relishing the feeling of each other's love, the touch of each other's lips.

When they pulled apart, both Milner and Philip were smiling brightly at one another. If this was happiness, Milner never wanted this feeling to leave her. The look in those captivating blue eyes was warm and kind, a hint of plea or desperation seemed to be lurking in the depths though. The two of them had been apart for so long, they needed reassurance that this precious moment was real. The kiss had provided that reassurance, yet when their skin had lost contact, they both felt a bit cooler.

This time it was Philip who made the first move. As he raised his hands, Milner threw herself in his arms, tightly embracing her dear man. Philip set his arms around her and held her close. This was real. This loving embrace, this love. For years Milner had longed to be held by this man. It was better than she had dreamed, this warm hug, this safe feeling. At this moment in time, nothing mattered but the two of them.

All good things come to an end, Milner told herself when she pulled away from Philip after a long moment. Still smiling brightly at him, Milner started to lead the way through the ruins, away from this place. They had a world to save.

Bless this thoughtful man, thought Milner when Philip handed her a mobile phone he had been hiding in his pocket. She had to make the call to put their plain into action. There was certainly no phone connection in the ruins, so they had to leave the place. And Milner had to put the battery back in the phone.

They had gotten quite far from the ruins, walking between the hills in comfortable silence, when Milner noticed someone approaching them. She sighed in relief when she recognized the man. Finally she got the battery in the phone.

"Milner!" called Wilson.

"Wilson! Thank Christ it's you," Milner said in relief, walking to the man. And the phone's battery was empty! "I want you to meet a great man," Milner said, turning towards Philip. "This is Philip Carvel," she introduced proudly. He was indeed a great man - Janus was, after all, his creation. It took Wilson a moment to respond.

"What, he's Philip Carvel?" he asked, not sure if he'd heard right.

Milner looked at Philip proudly until Wilson got her attention again. "Have you given the command yet?" he asked, slightly uncertain. Milner looked at him in confusion. "The command to release Russian flu - have you given it?" Wilson asked again.

And suddenly Milner became aware of the gun in Wilson's hand. It unsettled her a bit. And in a sudden surge of boldness she answered with a lie. "Yes, I have. Why?" she said calmly, thanking God that Philip was smart enough to play along.

"Christ - Jesus - fuck!" Wilson's swearing confused Milner, and she watched with curiosity what the younger man was going to do. "You have to reverse it," Wilson said, searching his pockets for a phone. When he found it, he looked up at Milner, offering her the phone. He was slightly taken aback by her calm expression, but he continued. "Janus isn't random. He changed it!" he said.

"Yes, I know," replied Milner calmly, watching the younger man with hidden amusement - she had always liked it when she knew something others didn't. The poor man was quite confused at her reply. She was not going to take his phone to reverse her commands, and stop their brilliant plan.

"You know?" he asked in a small voice, still not lowering his hand that held the phone.

"I don't agree with the adjustment he made," explained Milner, and it was the truth. She would have much rather seen Janus random, and people surviving randomly. But there was nothing to be done about Philip's adjustment now, was there? It was best to just accept it. "I don't! But it's only gonna cost a few thousand lives, and we will have-"

"Is that what he told you?" cut in Wilson. Milner looked at him in confusion and curiosity. "Tell her what you found out," Wilson told Philip. Milner turned to look at the man by her side, suddenly not so sure about him now.

When Philip didn't open her mouth to speak, Milner turned back to look at Wilson. She needed answers.

Wilson looked back at her, determined to tell her the truth, even if Philip wouldn't. "Janus stops the vaccine from working," he said evenly.

This was not what Milner had expected to hear. This was not something Philip would fail to mention to her. She shook her head, frowning. "No," she said softly. "No-no-no, that's not what his-"

"Listen to me," interrupted Wilson once again. "The flu vaccine we have is practically useless." He said it with such certainty that Milner would have believed him, had she not believed Philip wouldn't leave this vital detail hidden from her.

"He's right," agreed Philip eventually, and Milner turned to look at him in great surprise. She waited patiently for him to continue. The lack of knowledge was agonizing. "I discovered that Janus hijacks the vaccine," Philip explained with a sigh. "It attaches itself to it. So, it means that when you're vaccinated, the antibodies you create to fight flu are the wrong shape. They won't work, unless..."

Milner had listened with a sinking feeling inside herself. Philip had left this unmentioned intentionally. He had not wanted her to know. He had not trusted her enough for that. The disappointment came with a burning pain in her heart. "Unless?" she asked, determined to hear the story to the end once Philip had started it.

"Unless you are Roma," finished Philip, sounding quite reluctant to say the words.

The realization dawned on Milner. Roma! That meant the vaccine would work on Philip and not Wilson, on Jessica and not herself! He'd found this out all these years ago, and made the adjustment just so he could protect his daughter. So that's what he had meant earlier when he spoke to Jessica!

"The vaccine does what Janus does," said Philip, when Milner looked at Wilson in vain hope that he'd tell her it was all just a cruel joke. Wilson looked away from her, his only eye reflecting feelings of sympathy and regret. "Only Roma will be protected."

Milner stared at him in disbelief. After all they'd been through together, Philip had tricked her. He'd not only gone behind her back, but he'd not trusted her with his plans, and he'd chosen his daughter over her. Tears prickled at Milner's eyes, but she was not about to cry. She blinked her eyes rapidly and swallowed her sob. She was not going to cry!

"My love for Jessica," spoke Philip - he couldn't have known how much these words stung, "was like a physical thing, an organ that didn't exist until she was born. And then it controlled everything."

"You did this for her?" asked Milner in a voice of a person betrayed. She didn't know herself if she tried to keep the disappointment and reproach out of her tone, or if she meant for her feelings to show. She turned her face away. She couldn't look Philip in the eyes at the moment.

"But," she tried to make things make sense, "we tested it, it worked."

"On Jessica," explained Wilson impatiently. "She's Roma. Whoever you called to release it, you have to call him back." He offered Milner the phone again.

She shook her head again, trying to decide what to do. She had not yet called anyone to release the virus, so she couldn't possibly call them to tell them they shouldn't. And neither did she want to. This was her life's work. She wasn't going to give it all up because Philip had chosen so selfishly. "Just a minute, let me think," Milner said, pushing a few strands of hair away from her face.

"What's there to think about, Milner?" asked Wilson loudly, making Milner look up at him, a little startled. He was not usually aggressive. And even when he was, he didn't usually have a gun in his hand. "Make the call," ordered Wilson determinedly, holding out the phone.

Milner stared at him for a long moment, her mind rushing to find a solution. It was easy, she finally decided. Nothing was going to stand in her way, not Wilson or Philip. Finally Milner reached out and took the phone from Wilson's hand. As she chose the number, she could feel Philip's look on her, but she was not about to look back at him. Wilson stepped a bit farther, contented that he'd made Milner do the right thing.

With a trembling hand, Milner raised the phone to her ear. Saying the code words to the man on the other side of the line, Milner hesitated for the last time, before saying the most important word. "Commence."

"What?" asked Wilson dumbly when Milner finished the call. Now she dared to look at Philip, and was glad to see him looking at her with great pride. She had not failed him, she would never.

"But you said... Commenced?" said Wilson quietly as realization struck him. "You hadn't called him."

"It's not what I wanted," Milner told him in a convincing tone. It was quite scary to look into Wilson's eye and see anger rising in him. "Not at all. All those lives. It is unfortunate."

"Unfortunate?" asked Wilson, unable to believe Milner would use this word. "The Russian flu vaccine doesn't work. That's millions of lives. Hundreds of millions even." His tone had turned into one of reproach.

"And there are seven billion on this planet," replied Milner, trying to make him see that this was the right thing to do. "A hundred million won't even make a dent. We're trying to save the species." Milner could sense that Philip was watching her in amazement. "If it costs a few million individuals, isn't that okay?"

"It's not fucking okay!" shouted Wilson in response, his temper having risen to the top. "Call back!" he ordered, motioning towards the phone with his gun. When Milner didn't move, he shouted again, "Call him back now! Stop him!" His voice was taking on a desperate tone.

Milner stared at him. She had thought Wilson would understand her, that he'd understand why she did it. It was a terrible disappointment to see now that he was not brave enough to think like her. She didn't recognize the Wilson she had known for the last few months. The Wilson she knew didn't ever raise his voice like this, and he never ever stood against her. With all her might, Milner wished that Wilson was here now, instead of this one.

"I told you to call him back," said Wilson threateningly, raising his gun to Milner's face.

In shock Milner took a step farther. What ever she had expected Wilson to do, this was not it. She'd trusted him to do the right thing. But as he aimed the gun at her face, Milner realized with dread how little people really understood her cause. She hadn't thought that there would be any threat to herself in making a killer out of Wilson. But after the first time it was easier to pull the trigger. So, despite all her fondness for the younger man, Milner was certain that he wouldn't hesitate to shoot her.

She straightened up a bit, trying her best to look unafraid. "You can't shoot me," Milner said, a small tremble in her voice. "I'm the only one who knows who he is." Indeed, she was the only one who could make the call to stop the plan. Were she to die, there'd be no one to reverse her commands. Tears threatened to raise in her eyes, as Milner realized that this was the only argument she had left. Wilson was not as mentally unbalanced as Grant, but he was nevertheless scary enough to have Milner worried.

Within a short moment Wilson took her words in and decided on another way. Milner felt as if her heart had stopped for a moment when Wilson turned his aim at Philip.

The poor man looked utterly helpless, but instead of uttering a desperate plea, he accepted the fate calmly.

In a heartbeat, Milner forgave Philip everything he'd been doing behind her back and keeping in secret from her. She couldn't let this genius of a man, her one true love die like this. Her mouth slightly parted as she stared at Philip, Milner's first thought was to step between the two men. She wouldn't let Wilson shoot him. She would rather give her own life than see Philip's be taken from him. She couldn't bare the loss - not again.

But Philip must have guessed her intentions, because he calmly said, "No-no, it's fine." He looked at Milner, a smile on his face. His look was not one of fear of dying - not at all. He was proud of her. Proud of the woman who had been so loyal, risking her life on so many occasions, but sticking to their plan. His look held admiration, love and peace. He didn't want Milner to try and save him - if this was his fate, so be it.

"I understand," he said softly to Milner. He wasn't even about to let her try to save his life. "I understand completely." He was ready to leave this world, and he regretted nothing - that Milner could see in his eyes.

But when the shot reached Milner's ears and Philip still looked the same, for the slightest of moments, Milner couldn't understand what had happened. Only when the sharp cutting pain took hold of her did she understand what had happened. Her legs gave out and she collapsed into Philip's arms. The two phones fell from her hands. Philip lowered her to the ground, and one empty breath escaped her lungs.

The shoot hadn't come from Wilson, he'd kept his gun aimed at Philip. There had had to be someone else nearby. Milner couldn't be bothered with the thought.

Quickly she became unable to feel her limbs, and her vision blurred mercilessly. More than anything Milner wished to see Philip's face now. Before she lost the last feeling in her arms, she felt Philip's hands holing on to her. She started to feel cold.

Through the drone in her ears, Milner could hear Philip sob. The soft touch of his hair on Milner's face as Philip leaned over her was like a light spring breeze after a rough winter. A last warm wave emerged from her heart.

Milner could feel he was close to her. Gathering the last of her scattering thoughts and strength, she forced the silent words over her hard lips. "You were my God."

Enveloped in cold and dark, Milner was dragged away from this world.

The End


End file.
